Falling in love has to be the sweetest destruction known to her heart. But I took advantage of her. Erica Bay she made me her world. She gave me her heart. She gave me everything. Her whole being was priceless but my arrogant ass treated her cheap. Took her loyalty and betrayed it time and time again. She knew but her love for me was to strong potent like the most addictive drug. Her love for me made her not think straight. A brilliant woman, whom brilliance was being wasted on loving a cheating worthless scum. I took her precious heart and broke it. I wanted to leave for years. I told her numerous times she was too good for me, but that thing they called love wouldn’t allow her to leave. Why is it the good girls love the bad guys. I guess opposites attract because I took a diamond and dragged it in the dirt. I was blessed with her trust when I was the last person on earth who deserved it. It’s eats at my heart on how wrong I did my sweet Erica. I wish I could take all the wrong I did to her back but that’s impossible. I love her, but how could I even say that right. Actions speak louder than words and my actions showed everything but love.

Now my days are spent on drinking cheap liquor to help balance my lows, try to make the pain go away or help forgot it, a temporary solution. But I’m dying slowing painfully I deserve to go out this way. The medication makes it worst but the doctors says I need to take all of them to live. My demons came back to bite me in my ass with no warning. Just woke up one day and felt different. Losing weight, I don’t want to eat. Think of Erica every day since she left. I even tried contacting her. To me she left to late I was a cancer to her life,her heart. The damage I did to her she would never recover from it. If only she seen I wasn’t the one for her from the start but that drug love had her blind. Falling in love is so beautiful, but in Erica case Cupid hit the wrong target. It brings tears to my eyes when I think of her. I just want to apologize a millions time and it still won’t be enough. I just wish I could give her all those years she wasted on me back. Sorry Erica sorry I would say every time I went to sleep hoping I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. I should just stop taking my medication I would probably get my wish, but to tell the truth I wanted to live as long as I could. I wish I could say the same for Erica, because I was at her funeral pouring my heart out of all my regrets in my deep thoughts. I was dressed in all black with shades to cover my bloodshot red eyes. Cried out all my tears wondered if I had any left. Her family and friends didn’t even recognize me I guess the A.I.D.S. did a number on my appearance. The same virus I shared with Erica. The virus I tried to tell her about when I discovered I got it, but when a woman’s fed up she’s fed up. It was around the time she left when I found out. She wouldn’t answer my calls. It was like she disappeared off the face of the earth. She was never at work, the gym, or the places she like spending her time. Her friends hated me so they weren’t any help. I just wanted to tell her what I gave her before it was too late.

I’m here at her funeral so it was too late. I just wanted to say my goodbyes. I see her beautiful mother crying hysterically while Mr. Bay consoled her. Her sisters Maria & Hope held each others while tears drip down they faces soaking each others black dresses. Her brother Victor just stood there staring at Erica casket as if he couldn’t believe she was gone. They hated me, they seen everything in me I wish Erica seen. The dog in me, the disloyalty, stupidity. Erica’s love for me was real and pure. So she accepted me with all my flaws no matter what her family and friends thought. That would be her downfall. I Calvin Williams was her downfall, her total demise. I was there to witness the aftermath I because she now laid in a casket at age 26. I wanted to get up and leave but I felt as if my feet were cemented to the ground where I sat. I felt as all eyes were on me but when I looked around all eyes were on the casket and the person talking at the moment. Paranoia was playing tricks on me. Family and friends each gave their eulogy of the late Erica. I wanted to speak but I know that was a terrible idea.

Then Victor stepped up the podium. Tears finally erupting out of his eyes. He couldn’t stand straight but he got his self together and spoke “Erica was my sister, my lovely sister, an angel with a heart made of gold. She showed everybody love even those who didn’t deserve her love. I lost a sister. We lost a sister, a beautiful human being. She supported me in whatever I did. She was my second mother. I just wish I could tell her I love her again. Hold her again. Pick up my phone and call her for her advice on life, but I can’t do that no more. She gone because a coward she loved inflicted her with A.I.D.S. My sister he murdered my sister. He fucking murdered my sister, my sister, my lovely sister.” Victor then walked to the opened casket and kiss Erica’s cold forehead. “I promise sis when I found him I will kill him with these hands these fucking hands” Victor yelled violently throwing phantom jabs. Mr. Bay ran to his son and held him as he fell to his knees. “It’s okay son, it’s okay” Mr. Bay whispered in Victor’s ear. Fear invaded my whole body because the words Victor said sounded sincere. Lucky me they didn’t recognize me and the pitch black shades helped. Erica’s casket was then carried out of the church into the hearse. I got into my black A6 and followed the cars to the grave. I kept my distance from the crowd as the service continued as family and friends said their goodbyes. I tried to hold myself together but started to lose it as they started lowering Erica and her casket into her six foot hole. I screamed crying out loud. My screams diluted with the other screams. Her parents and siblings all threw roses on top of the casket as it sunk. I slowly walked into the crowd. Then to the casket and dropped a rose on top of the casket. I just stood there. I didn’t move a muscle. I just stared at her casket as her father and brother threw dirt in the hole with a shovel. The crowd started getting smaller and smaller with each minute that passed, but I stayed put. I suddenly felt a pair of hands on my back. I turned around and there stood Victor with a menacing look on his face. With all his force he pushed me. I slowly fell on my back into the six foot hole. Dirt started pouring all over my face then my body. I was being buried alive and I didn’t even fight it. I just laid there. And my last words were “Erica I love you I’m deeply sorry.”

    Everyday I walked into the office, there the homeless man sat with a sign that read “So much for the American Dream” with his hands out asking for spare change. I would never give him change I rather give him a job application somewhere a McDonald’s is hiring. Everyday he would stare at me and stare at me. When I walked into to office, when I left the office for lunch, and when I left for home the homeless man was there staring at me with his yellow stained eyes. So the next day like usual the homeless man was sitting outside the office staring at me with those eyes. Shooting me a smile with teeth that look like he ate dirt. I took a few dollars out my wallet and put it in his hands. He smiled and handed it back to me and said        ” I don’t need your money, here you’re gonna need it more then me.” I refused to take it back.  Confused I rushed into the office thinking the homeless man thought he was to good for my money. Lunch time came around and I walked out the office and there he sat.   
“Wanna get something to eat” I said to him. He turned around and look around to see if there was anybody else around I could be talking to.
“Me” he said pointing at himself.
“Yeah you I got a hour so lets go” I said.
“Thank you” he said slowing getting his things.
“I think you could leave your things, nobody wants that shit” I said laughing. He shot me a stern look then collected all his things.
“Fine” I said as I waited for him to collect all his things.
“So what’s your name” I asked.
“Kirk” he said trying to carry  all of his things without dropping them.
“Funny my names Kirk as well, what a  coincidence.”
“Yeah” he replied sounding uninterested
“Well the diners right there” I said pointing to the diner down the street.
We walk down to the diner silently. As soon as we enter the diner homeless Kirk broke the silence and said
“can I get my food to go”
“Hey come on Kirk I need company just sit down and eat, it’s not like you got anywhere important to go.”
He look at me with that stern look again and sat down without saying a word.
“Margaret give me the usual and get my friend here, hey Kirk what would you like?”
“The same thing you’re having sir” homeless Kirk said.
Margaret then left our table to place our orders.
“So what’s your story Kirk, you’re outside my office everyday with your signs asking for spare change and all?”
“You think you better then me rich man, that’s what you think, you wondering why I refused to take your money rich man, you need it more then me” he said sounding furious.
“Relax Kirk I just ask for your story, like there’s plenty of jobs out there, go mop a floor somewhere, get back on your feet.”
Homeless Kirk laughed and pointed at me “I was you a rich snotty kid that got everything handed to him. Never lived life the way he wanted to cause his parents had it all mapped out for him before he was born. Go to the most Prestigious schools, then the Ivy League colleges then work for daddy’s company that one day you believe you’re own. Did everything everyone else wanted you to do when in the back of your mind your wanted to do it other way , your way. But your a puppet your fathers puppet. The man that laughed at your dreams of being a artist cause that’s what you loved to. But daddy’s said there no money in art and your not that good crushing your dreams, telling you your gonna be a business man just like him. Now your stuck in a career you don’t want but you can’t quit cause you got to pay the mortgage, keep your good for nothing wife happy, take care of your kids, and buy things your don’t need to impress you shitty fake friends. You think about ending it every single day but you don’t got the heart to do it. You want to run away and never look back cause everything’s  weighing down on your back. You feel that if you fail you fail everybody. But what about you, what about what you want, what about your dreams, what about those paintings you dream about showing the world, what about your art.” I was shocked it was as if the homeless man read my unwritten autobiography . It was impossible for us to have the same name same story. He then started taking out picture frames from his dirty torn bag . He pulled out a paintings to show me. They we’re my paintings, my art framed with five digit price tags. Tears started to drip down my face this couldn’t be possible. I looked in the homeless man face and saw my face just a little bit older, wiser.                                            “Kirk don’t ever give up on your dreams, life is a journey there’s good times and bad times, don’t ever get comfortable work as if you got everything to lose so you don’t end up begging those who you thought we’re your family, friends for them only to turn their back on you during your down times. We all fall as I did but I’m getting back up and you could keep the painting” he said getting up.                                    “Wait where you going the food and I want to hear more” I asked.              ” I got important places to be” he said pointing to the painting he left on the table. I look down at the painting and smile , looked back up and he was gone. Margaret came to the table with our food and place it on the table asking “hey where  your friend go is he your father or something you guys look so much alike?”                            “No Margaret he’s me.”